


a knock at the door

by witchgrassi



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Spencer Reid, Canon Typical Violence, Coming Out, Gen, Get Together, I don't care if the timeline doesn't fit, I wanted my favorite characters so I wrote them, M/M, Oblivious Derek, Oblivious Reid, Reid is Gay, Reid's autism isn't mentioned outright, Sad Spencer Reid, Sort Of, Whump, also Reid/Maeve never happened bc fuck that relationship, but he is autistic, former Derek Morgan/Savannah Hayes, former derek morgan/original female character's, former derek morgan/original male character's, started rewatching Criminal Minds and then this happened, this is pure angst and i am not apologizing for it, warning for mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24620269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchgrassi/pseuds/witchgrassi
Summary: The one where everyone can tell that something is wrong with Spencer, and the one where Morgan helps him realize that he isn't alone.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, former Derek Morgan/Savannah Hayes - Relationship
Comments: 17
Kudos: 262





	a knock at the door

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends, I wrote this all in one night because I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Just a warning, there is some canon typical violence, mentions of drug use, mentions of sobriety/Reid's sobriety, and general angst and sadness.

“Reid, you're never this late, are you okay?” Emily asked, her voice slightly concerned as he stepped off the elevator and joined her at the kitchenette, already reaching for the coffee pot.

“No, yeah, everything’s fine. I just had a long night,” he said. His voice cracked a bit on the word no, the soft reminder of his inability to lie to his friend.

“Okay, well you know I’m around if you ever want to talk,” she said, smiling at him before reaching over him for the sugar.

“I know, Emily, thanks.”

“Hey, I noticed something and I was wondering,” she said. Reid looked up at her. She had stopped stirring her coffee in favor of tilting her head to stare at him. “I noticed some tension between you and Morgan. I don’t want to overstep, but…” she trailed off, obviously attempting to gauge his emotions based on his response.

Reid looked over at Morgan, he was on the phone, listening intently to whoever he was speaking to. Reid cleared his throat before turning back to Emily.

“We’re fine. I just haven’t really been sleeping,” he said. A concerned look popped up on her face but he continued speaking before she could interrupt, “but I’m working on it. I’m okay, really.”

He smiled at her, his way of saying thanks before he walked towards his desk. He ignored Morgan’s curious look, an obvious invitation to talk, and looked down at the stack of files piled haphazardly in front of him. He grabbed the first one off the top and began to read, willing his eyes to stay focused on the text instead of looking back at Morgan. He missed the hurt expression on Morgan’s face, there only for a moment, before the other man returned to his own files.

~

Reid rushed in the conference room, head down as he tried to avoid Hotch’s gaze. This was the second time he was late to a briefing this month; he was worried about what his boss might say. He sank into his seat and scrambled to grab his tablet out of his messenger bag.

“Reid,” Hotch said, his tone neutral as always. Reid finally looked up, purposefully avoiding looking directly into Hotch’s eyes, instead looking at the bridge of his nose, hoping he could fake the eye contact. He didn’t want to give anything away. A team full of profilers could take one look into his eyes and tell exactly what was wrong.

“I’m sorry, I missed my train this morning. It won’t happen again,” he promised. He looked towards Penelope, hoping she would start the briefing and the conversation would shift to something other than him.

“So, we’re headed to the windy city, and I don’t mean Chicago, I’m talking Topeka, Kansas here people. Smack in the middle of tornado alley, to be exact. So far there are three missing men, all former addicts abducted from their homes…” Reid focused on Penelope as she described the case.

“The unsub has been abducting and killing recovering addicts by staging overdoses. So far he’s targeted an alcoholic, a heroin addict, and a man with opiate addiction. They were all sober, the longest was Trevor Ryan, he was sober by fifteen years. The first and second victims, Christian Hayes and Noah Smith were both being sponsored by him.”

“How many years were they sober, Garcia?” Emily asked.

“Christian was five years sober, and Noah was,” she paused frowning at her tablet screen. “He was ten years sober. That’s got to be a pattern, right? That can’t be a coincidence.”

“It’s highly unlikely that it is,” Reid spoke up. He tried to ignore the sympathetic glances from his team members. “The fact that our unsub is targeting recovering addicts on different points in their sobriety journey most likely means that he was sober at some point, but something caused him to fall off the wagon.”

“And whatever made him start using or drinking again is the stressor, that’s why he’s killing,” Morgan said. Reid glanced over at him. He looked angry, the same way he always did in cases like these.

He was looking at Reid, almost prompting him to respond, but Reid stayed silently, instead turning back towards Garcia. Morgan sighed, setting his own device harshly against the table. Reid flinched but didn’t look back. He could feel eyes on him, but he continued to stare at Garcia until she finally continued speaking.

“And unfortunately, my doves, that isn’t all,” Garcia said, clicking her remote to show the next slide. “The only reason the local precinct realized it was serial was because the latest victim, Michael Howard,” she clicked a button on her remote and brought up a new slide, “had been at the station a dozen times since the first victim was found, demanding that the police treat it as a homicide investigation. They had shrugged it off at first, ruling the deaths as accidental overdoses or suicides. When Michael’s wife reported him missing, they realized they were wrong.”

Hotch spoke up this time, “Michael’s twenty-years sober. According to the M.E., the unsub keeps them for three days before forcing them to overdose. He’s already been missing for twenty-four hours, so we have less than 48 to find him alive. Wheels up in 30.”

~

On the plane to Topeka, Reid tried to act normal. He contributed to the discussion as best as he could without showing too much emotion. He didn’t need this, not on top of what he was already dealing with. He tried to keep the disappointment off his face when Morgan started talking to Emily about the new guy he’d been seeing.

He didn’t need this, not on top of everything else. It had been hard enough to even come into work this morning. The sleepless nights were finally starting to catch up to him. The team was starting to notice the bags under his eyes, how he avoided looking at them even more than usual.

And they’d noticed how he refused to talk directly to Morgan. He would respond to his comments when his entire team was talking, but he couldn’t work up the courage to respond to him in private. As they debriefed on the plane, Morgan kept glancing at him, and Reid stared pointedly out the window. He felt bad, he knew he was hurting Morgan, but it was too hard to look at the other man.

He didn’t know how to do this. It was easier when Morgan was straight. When he was straight, it made sense that he would never love Reid the way that he loved the other man. But now…after Savannah… Morgan thought he’d try his hand at dating men. And that’s when Reid realized.

He never had a chance to begin with.

~

When they arrived on the precinct, Hotch sent Morgan and Emily to the M.E.’s office and had Reid start working on the geographical profile. He was glad for the solo work; he wasn’t sure he could handle talking to anyone else right now.

He was grateful when JJ and Rossi volunteered to start talking to the victim’s families, trying to determine if they had any mutual interactions or enemies. The only connection they made was that all the victims went to AA meetings at least once a week.

This made sense, any recovering addict would flock to the nearest AA meeting. He had a few years of sobriety under his belt and he still went to at least two meetings a week. Even when he was in a new city on a case, he went to a meeting. Using the information from JJ and Rossi, he was able to narrow down the unsub’s hunting grounds based on the abduction zones and dumpsites. Once he had him cornered into a twelve-block radius on the southern end of Topeka, he called Penelope.

“Hey Garcia, are there any AA groups that meet in between the area of 12th and Broad?” he asked, using his shoulder to hold the phone against his ear as he continued adding pins to the map.

“There are a few, most of them are at churches in the area, but one is held at Topeka City Community College,” she said. She listed the locations of the various AA meetings around the unsubs hunting grounds. When she was done, she spoke up again, “Hey, I wanted to ask, are you okay? I know this can’t be easy on you.”

“Thanks, Garcia, I have to go,” he hung up the phone and turned back towards the map. He heard Hotch walk up behind him and turned to face the older man.

“Are you alright?” he asked. Reid stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

“Other than wishing that people would stop asking me that, I’m doing just fine,” he said. He looked away from Hotch’s face. “I’ve narrowed down the geographical profile. He lives or works somewhere in this area,” he made a broad gesture on the map, “and he definitely frequents the AA meetings here, here, and here. Those are the closest to his comfort zone. I’d look into priests, people with substance abuse charges, and EMTs,” he finished.

“Why EMTs?” JJ asked. She had just joined him at the board and was looking over his map.

“Based on the M.E.’s report, the unsub forced the victims to either abuse drugs or drink the entire time he held them captive. Noah’s arms and legs were full of track marks and Trevor had nothing but vodka in his stomach,” Morgan answered, walking back into the bullpen with Emily not far behind.

“He has to have access to Narcan, otherwise the victims would have died a lot quicker,” Reid said.

“So, this isn’t just about making them use, he’s making them suffer too,” JJ responded. She was staring at Reid as she talked, obviously searching for the right words.

“So, he fell off the wagon somehow, and instead of getting help he decided to take his anger out on people who were still in recovery,” Emily spoke up. “He was probably sober for at least a few years longer than Michael before he got sucked back in. Once we find his stressor, we’ll find him,” she added.

~

They continued working well into the night before Hotch finally forced them to go back to their motel rooms, ordering them to get some sleep. Reid had only just loosened his tie when there was a knock at his door. He opened it, still attempting to undo the buttons on his sweater. He let his hand fall to his side when he saw Morgan.

“What do you want, Morgan?” he asked. Morgan just pushed his way inside the small motel door and didn’t answer. “Sure, come on in, that’s fine,” Reid said, irritability bleeding into his voice.

He closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, attempting to keep some space between himself and Morgan. Morgan was sat on the bed, shoulders hunched, his elbows on his knees. He was staring at the carpet.

“Just level with me, kid. What did I do to make you so angry?” he asked, finally looking up at Reid.

“You didn’t do anything, Morgan, I’ve just been tired lately.”

“You really expect me to believe this has nothing to do with me? You can’t even look at me,” to prove his point he moved closer to Reid, staring into his eyes. Reid tried to hold his gaze, but he only lasted a moment before he had to look away.

“See? This isn’t you, Reid. Something’s going on with you. Come on, man, I’m your friend, you can tell me what I did to upset you,” he said, still looking desperately at Reid’s face. He was too close to him, but still not close enough. Reid could feel his chest tighten, eyes growing wider with each breath.

“I think you should leave, Derek,” he said, staring down at the floor. He couldn’t help the crack in his voice, the rough sound of unshed tears.

“Okay,” Derek said, his voice hushed. He moved past Reid and opened the door. He hesitated in the doorway, still staring at the younger man. After a minute he finally stepped out into the hall, letting the door slowly close behind him.

~

“All right Reid, out with it,” Garcia’s voice came from the speaker on his phone. He had just called her to check on the status of the background checks of the various emergency responders that lived in the unsub’s comfort zone. She’d turned up empty, they were all clean, no nefarious activity other than an unpaid parking ticket.

“Excuse me?” he asked, furrowing his brow at her question. He walked into an empty room, closing the door behind him.

“What’s gotten into you? You haven’t given me a single statistic about Topeka or anything. Normally you would have told me the entire history of the city by now. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Garcia, stop worrying about me. We’ve got less than 24 hours now to find Michael alive, and I really want to do that,” he said, not even bothering to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Reid, I’m just worried about you, we all are.” He could hear the sadness in her voice as she spoke. He rubbed at his temples, trying to keep from getting angry at her.

“Did Morgan put you up to this?” he asked.

“What? No, Reid, I haven’t even talked to Morgan today,” she answered, hurriedly attempting to defend herself. “I’m just concerned, that’s all,” she said.

“Well stop, okay? There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Reid,” she said, her voice soft.

“Garcia, don’t. I have to go,” he said, hanging the phone up quickly. He opened the door and walked back to the map, trying to take his mind off the conversation with Garcia. He swore under his breath and let his head thud softly against the board.

~

“I know that look,” a voice said from beside him. He looked up, staring at JJ as she approached. She was smiling at him, her usual knowing smile on her face.

“What?” he asked, confused. She laughed and turned to stare at the board.

“You’re so predictable, Spence,” she said. He was even more confused now. “You’re obviously having relationship trouble with someone. I get it if you don’t want to tell me who it is. I’m not one to judge, I dated Will for a year before I told you guys about him. Maybe I can help, though,” she offered. Reid stared at her for a few moments before his brain caught back up.

“How do you get over someone who clearly doesn’t like you back?” he asked. He immediately regretted it, clearing his throat, and turning back to the board, putting up a few new pins.

“How do you know she doesn’t like you back?” she asked.

“Well,” Reid started, unsure of how to say what he really meant. He took a second before responding. “He’s been dating other people since I met him. I never really stood a chance, I guess. I just don’t know how to move on,” he said, his voice hushed against the chatter of the bullpen.

“Well, I’d suggest talking to him. It may suck, but at least you’ll know where you stand,” she said. He stared at the board, not looking back at her. He missed how she glanced over at Morgan knowingly. “And who knows, maybe he feels the same way. You won’t know until you try,” she said. She squeezed his shoulder lightly before she walked away.

“I wish it was that simple,” he whispered.

~

Soon after, they were ready to deliver the profile.

They knew the unsub was white and in his sixties. He had recently suffered a personal loss, maybe a loved one, and to deal with the pain, he’d turned back to his old habits. When the drugs or alcohol no longer helped him, he turned to killing. The first death had been an accident. He’d coerced Christian into using with him and when he eventually overdosed three days into their binge, he realized how much better it was than getting high. They knew that once this pattern started, there was no way out. He wasn’t going to give up the only thing he could still control.

They briefed the cops and various AA groups, hoping someone would know who someone that fit the profile. It wasn’t until JJ spoke to Michael’s wife, Catherine, again that they knew who they were looking for.

“Wait,” she said, holding a hand to her mouth. “I know a man like that, Michael’s brother Peter. He and Michael got sober around the same time after their mom died. Michael caught Peter drinking after his wife filed for divorce. He forced him to check into rehab, he said he would tell his kids if he didn’t. He knew it was harsh, but it was just tough love. He just wanted him to get some help. Oh god, I thought he was still there. He used to be an EMT but he retired last year,” she sobbed. JJ tried to comfort her while Hotch called Garcia to get Peter’s current address.

Hotch, Reid, and Morgan went to Peter’s house while Emily and Rossi checked out a storage unit in Peter’s name. Reid went down to the basement and saw Peter standing in front of Michael’s unconscious body, a needle poised over his throat, his thumb on the plunger.

"Peter, listen to me, put down the syringe. You don’t have to do this, you can end this right now,” he said, slowly walking forward. Morgan and Hotch were still checking the other rooms and hadn’t seen him go down the stairs.

“He took everything from me! He did this, not me!” Peter sobbed, spit foaming at the corners of his mouth and tears pooling in his eyes. Reid slowly raised his hands, making a show of putting his gun away.

“Reid,” he heard Morgan call. Reid almost screamed that he was in the basement, but he didn’t want to spook Peter further. He ignored him, focusing all his attention on Peter.

“Peter, Michael didn’t make you use. You know he didn’t. He only wanted you to get help.”

“He doesn’t care about me, he never did! He only got sober to one-up me,” he sobbed, pressing the needle slightly harder against the delicate skin over Michael’s jugular. “He always had to be one step ahead of me.” Reid stepped closer.

“Peter, I am begging you, drop the syringe. We can end this right now; we can still save Michael. You can get help. Michael wouldn’t want this,” he begged. Peter met his eyes, then. He looked closely at Reid; his eyes bored into his own.

“You’re right. It’s time to end this,” he said. After he spoke, everything happened in a blur of motion. Instead of stabbing Michael in the neck, he lunged at Reid. He had the needle pressed against Reid’s neck, the other arm holding him steady against his body. Hotch came down the stairs, then, his gun aimed at Peter.

“Hotch,” Reid said, his eyes wide. “Don’t let him do it, I’m begging you,” he said. Peter laughed, then.

“You think he can save you? You’re a fucking junkie, just like the rest of us, you deserve this.”

“Hotch,” Reid said again, his voice shaking. He tried to get his attention, tapping his pointer finger softly against Peter’s arm. He stared straight into Hotch’s eyes, hoping his boss would get the memo.

Then, just as Peter’s thumb pressed down on the plunger, there was that all too familiar pop, the shattering explosion of searing-hot pain. Hotch holstered his gun, running forward to grab the needle out of Peter’s hand, throwing it as far from him as he could. He grabbed Reid, dragging him backward, already putting pressure on his shoulder.

“Morgan, we need a medic! Officer down!” Hotch yelled hand pressed tight against the wound on Reid’s shoulder, trying to stop the blood flowing from the wound.

“I’m fine, go to him, go,” Reid said. He replaced Hotch’s hand with his own. Hotch put two fingers against Peter’s neck, shaking his head slightly before moving on to Michael. “He’s got a pulse,” Reid breathed then, finally relaxing back into the cold concrete wall behind him.

He was vaguely aware of Hotch helping him to his feet and steering him up the stairs and out of the basement. After getting bandaged up by an EMT, he let Morgan drive him back to the motel to get his things before they got on the plane. He didn’t say a word.

~

Reid’s mind only caught up with him when he was back on the plane, headed back to D.C., headed far away from Topeka. Morgan sat beside him, his headphones already on. He had his eyes closed as he leaned back in his seat. 

He was sat next to the window, resting his head on the cool glass. He didn’t look up when Hotch sat down in front of him.

“How are you doing?” he asked. Reid laughed, a hollow sound that seemed to echo throughout the cabin. Finally, he sighed and turned towards Hotch.

“I’m okay,” he said. He could almost hear Hotch’s mind spinning, trying to settle on the right thing to say.

“You know none of us would judge you if you weren’t,” he said. He was using his dad voice, the gentle tone he saved only for his son and for people who were hurting. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been.”

Reid looked up and stared at Hotch. He could feel his bottom lip quiver slightly as he fidgeted with his hands.

“Do you ever think…” he cleared his throat, “do you ever wonder what would happen if you were smarter? If you were faster?” he asked. Hotch tilted his head and folded his hands on the small, fold-out table.

“You can’t blame yourself for this, Reid. We got there in time. Michael’s alive. You saved him today. Don’t let this be a loss when it doesn’t need to be.”

“You shot me Hotch, because Peter was going to inject me with god knows what. I’ve been sober for over a decade, and I could have lost it if you hadn’t realized what I was saying,” Reid said. “And sure, Michael’s alive, but is that really a good thing?”

“What do you mean?” Hotch asked. Reid sighed.

“He was twenty-years sober. Now he has to live knowing his sobriety was stolen from him. He had twenty years, Hotch, and now he has to start over. He’s sixty-three,” a tear slid down his cheek and he swiped it away. “who knows if he will even live long enough to get those years back.” his voice was soft but adamant.

“If you hadn’t stopped him when you did, if it had been me today… I don’t think I would have wanted to be saved,” he said. He leaned back in his seat, his gaze returning to the open window. Hotch continued to stare at Reid as he watched the sun slowly sink behind the clouds.

From his seat next to Reid Morgan finally pressed play on his phone, trying to drown out the silence that followed Reid’s confession.

~

The train ride back to Reid’s apartment was a blur. The dull ache in his shoulder was the only thing keeping him awake and alert. He walked up the stairs and went into his apartment.

He didn’t bother locking the door behind him, he just slid down the wall opposite the door and sat with his head between his knees, trying to control his breathing. Distantly, he heard his phone ringing. He made no effort to dig through his bag for it. He just sat on the floor, desperately trying to force air into his lungs.

He didn’t realize that someone was banging on his door until there was light from the hallway shining down on him, and soft hands cupping his cheeks.

He could hear someone calling his name, but it was almost like he had his head underwater. He felt himself shaking and it took him a second to realize that he was _being_ shaken. Finally, he looked up into Morgan’s eyes.

“Reid, Reid!” Morgan called, trying to shake Reid out of his stupor. Finally, finally, he shook himself out of his thoughts enough to understand what was happening. He jerked back out of Derek’s grip, standing up on shaky legs. He forced himself to laugh and he shook his head.

“Morgan, I’m uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you knock. I was just tired, I must have fallen asleep,” he scrubbed a hand over his face, walking further into his apartment, ignoring the extreme concern on Morgan’s face.

“Reid, please, don’t do this. Don’t shut me out like this,” Morgan said. Reid heard the desperation in his voice and was suddenly angry. Morgan wasn't allowed to turn this around on him.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Morgan. You have no idea what I’m going through.” He started to walk towards his bedroom when Morgan caught him by the wrist and spun him around, being careful not to jostle his injured shoulder.

“Then tell me, please,” he begged, holding Reid’s hand in his. For a moment, Reid just stared down at their hands, at how their fingers intertwined, how perfect they looked laced up together. He looked back up when Morgan’s other hand settled onto the side of his face.

Reid hesitated for a split second before he surged forward, pressing his lips against Morgan’s. When Morgan didn’t reciprocate, he pulled away, the color draining from his face.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry,” he apologized, trying to squirm out of Morgan’s grip.

Before he could move further away, Morgan cupped Reid’s face in his hands, pulling him closer and kissing him deeply. He walked them back towards the door, crowding Reid against it and eliminating all the extra space between them. It took a second for Reid to kiss him back, but when he did, he couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over his cheeks and dripping down his chin. Derek pulled back, letting him breathe. He let his forehead rest against Reid’s as they both tried to catch their breath. Derek swiped a thumb over his cheek, catching a stray tear as it fell.

“I thought you’d never do that, pretty boy,” he said, a soft, teasing smile on his face. Reid looked up, staring at the man in front of him.

“I didn't know you wanted me to," he whispered, leaning forward onto Morgan’s hand, allowing himself to be held. "I thought everyone could tell how in love with you I am." He smiled softly against Derek's hand. A slow smile worked its way onto Derek's face.

“First, you should know that I love you too, I always have," Reid looked up, then. A hopeful look on his face. Derek continued, "And second, you should know that for a genius, you’re pretty damn stupid,” he finished. Reid laughed, a shocked, genuine laugh that bubbled out of him without warning. Before he realized what was happening, they were both laughing, hard enough that they couldn’t breathe, they could only lean into one another, their faces shining with tears of joy instead of sadness.

**Author's Note:**

> what did you think? feel free to comment on any thoughts you have, I love hearing what people think of my stuff. pls leave kudos if you enjoyed it! i might post a second chapter, let me know if you're interested!


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